Upcoming B'day

The lovable 'brat' is going to be 4 on June 5. I had bought a B'day card for him and mailed it to the Indian address where he is, most probably, staying with his mother. Neither I nor the US State Department could locate my son in India in the ten months since his being taken out of the US.

As I think about his upcoming B'day, I could not help coming to the sad realization that I had already missed out on 25% of his young life (ten and a half month now and a month back in 2006) due to him being forcefully taken/kept away from me. I keep wondering if I have been completely wiped off his memory. My friends and well wishers keep reassuring me that he will remember me and recongnize me instantly when he sees me next. I sure hope they are right.

When will I see him next? Now that is a million dollar question. I am doing everything in my power to make it happen as soon as I can. But there are still hurdles to cleared. In the meantime, as always, I hope he is in sound health and good spirits.

What might he be doing right now?

It is currently 7:20 AM in India. I was wondering what my little boy might be doing. Is he awake already? If not, he must be getting ready to....tossing, turning, checking for his mother by his side (we co-sleep with him), getting closer to her if she is there or getting off the bed and walking out of the room looking for her if she is not by his side. He needs a big hug from one of us as soon as he wakes up and needs to be told how much we love him. Then slowly, he will get ready for breakfast. Wonder which character's toothbrush he is using right now! At my place here in US, he had an Elmo toothbrush. And then breakfast. I am guessing that by now, he is probably eating by himself without needing his mother to feed him.

God knows how many new words he must have learnt in the last 10 months. I wish he learnt as many new English words as he did Telugu ones. Obviously, we want him to learn both the languages. Given that he is most probably in Hyderabad, I wonder if he started picking up a bit of Hindi. How else can I teach him all those famous dialogues of Big B, Amjad Khan, Shotgun Sinha, Amrish Puri and of course, Ajit? Still not sure where he and his mother are.

Boy, I can't go any further....I will stop right here.

Light finally??

Going through tough and trying times is not most difficult thing one can face. Persevering through those times is what defines one's character. Looks like I might have turned the hard bend where I can faintly see light at the other end of the tunnel. I am hoping there are no more setbacks on the way. Should there be some more, I wish I and my son can survive them like we have been for the past 10 months.

Oh 'The one above', please make sure my adorable 'brat' is happy, healthy and strong!!

When it rains....

it really pours. Just when you think you have your hands full with troubles to be dealt with, more trouble comes your way. Does something good really come out of every hard knock in life? I sure hope so. As much for the sake of my boy as for my own. Loss of hope never does anyone any good, does it!!

29 weeks and counting

It is exactly 29 weeks since I have had any contact with my only child. As time passes and nothing positive emerges, measuring the time of separation from my son in weeks is a bit less painful than measuring it in days (203).

Dear God, please ensure my little boy is healthy and happy. While you are at it, please give me enough strength to endure this ordeal. For my end of the bargain, I promise not to give up hope nor suspend my efforts to be reunited with him.

Personal milestone

Today, I turned 40. This, without a doubt, has turned out to be the saddest Birthday I ever had. My son, the most valuable asset that I have, is not here to celebrate it with me. I still do not know where he is or when he and I will be reunited. But fight I must and I will. I owe it to my beloved boy.

The New Year

Yes, the New Year is upon us. I am optimistic that it will bring good luck and reunite my son and me.

No stone is being left unturned in my efforts to be reunited with my son. But the so called 'due process' has it's own pace and whether we like it or not, my son and I have to abide by it. Frustrating.....yes. Hopelessness......no. Give up......never.

I hope my son had a great New Year and a very happy Sankranthi. I pray for his good health and happiness.

Holiday Season

Holiday season is coming to a depressing end. I was scheduled to have Anand with me from Dec 25 to Jan 1 during Winter Vacation. I still have not had any contact with my son. That is 162 days and counting. Still no word on his whereabouts or welfare.

Not sure how much longer 'The One Above' wants to keep testing me and my son. How much longer do we two need to endure this forceful separation that neither of us deserve much less want? If a 40 year old like me is having so much difficulty coping with this, I wonder how my 3 year old is coping with it. I can only hope God gives him unending strength.

I hope he had a good Holiday season. I wish him health, happiness and hope (that things will get better...as they always do). Stay strong, my little angel!!!

Lost time

Just summed up all the visitation time I and my son have missed with each other since he was taken to India. It is a total of 788 hours. That is 32 days and 20 hours. That is excluding the 35 phone conversations I and he would have had. Not sure who will return this valuable time to the two of us.

Still no word on his welfare or whereabouts. Though it is getting tougher with each passing day, I am managing to stay optimistic and strong. And praying that Anand is happy, healthy and strong. For Anand and I, glass is always half full.

Thanksgiving Day 2008

Hope Anand had a good Thanksgiving Day. Though neither of us has a reason to be thankful today, both Anand and I are optimistic enough to hope for and look forward to better times ahead.

Till then, I hope he remembers that his father loves him as much as ever.

The drama drags on

The latest update from Department of State is that they were told, by the same member of Anand's mother's family, that Anand and his mother are now in Bengaluru (Bangalore), India. Once again requests for their address and phone number were refused. That is the second acknowledged move in just the past 2 months. And my son is all of 3 years old.

He was due for a follow-up dental appointment 3/4 weeks ago. No word on if it happened or how it went. In another 5 weeks, he will be due for his follow-up appointment with his Allergist. Not sure it that will happen either.

109 days and counting

It is now 109 days since I and my little angel have had any contact with each other. Currently, I do not even know where he is in India. It has been more than 3 months since I have had an update on his health and well-being. I do not know how tall he is or how much he weighs now.

As much as I believe in God, I have been tempted more than once in the past 2 months to doubt his/her existence. If there truly is God, how long does he/she want me and my son to go through this ordeal? Haven't we both endured enough?

Bad News

Department of State, through American Consulate in India, have been trying to do a welfare visit for Anand. After numerous unsuccessful attempts at establishing contact, they were told recently, by a member of Anand's mother's family, that Anand and his mother relocated to Goa, India. No further information was given. No address, no phone number. Though I haven't had any contact with Anand for more than 90 days, it was comforting to assume that they were staying with family in Hyderabad. Now that goes up in flames. Just when I thought things could not get any worse.

Another weekend goes by

For some inexplicable reason, I told myself last Friday that Anand would be back over the weekend. He was not brought back. But it made the weekend a little easier to bear. Looks like I am building defense mechanisms that are not entirely rational. What other choice do I have? Anything to get through another day.

Today I heard the saved voicemail on my cell phone in which he calls out my name from his car seat. It has been so long (88 days) since I heard his voice live. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? At his age, he probably doesn't. If he does, I am certain he is building his own defenses to deal with it. I just hope he is in sound health and good spirits. We didn't name him Anand ('Bliss' in Sanskrit) for no reason!

Quotes that keep me going

Found a couple of quotes that help me stay strong and positive:

"If you're going through Hell, keep going." -- Winston Churchill.

"In the end, everything will be okay. If it's not okay, then you have not reached the end." -- Unknown.

"The only thing that stands between a person and what they want from life is often merely the will to try it, and faith to believe it is possible." -- Richard M. Devos.

"God won't ever give you something you couldn't handle... sometimes I wish God wouldn't trust me so much." -- Mother Teresa.

Oh, the weekends!!

Work provides a nice and absolutely necessary distraction during the weekdays. Weekends, especially ones when Anand would have been with me (this current weekend), are another story.

Friday night was bearable because I was deeply engrossed in completing a biography from the Library. Saturday turned out good with an Indian Movie in a theater in Kirkland.

This morning truly turned this into a 'wretched weekend'. Finally connected the Camcorder and watched Anand's latest Video. The miniDV had about 45 minutes of recording. I watched the first 15 minutes (celebration of his 3rd B'day at my place) and gave up. Deciding to watch it turned out to be as bad an idea as I had been fearing. I am determined not to watch it anymore...let us just leave it there.

Another day

Though yesterday was fairly good, last night was not so good. I spent it thinking of all the things my son and I are not able to do together. Hug him, kiss him, tickle him, let him climb all over me, play with him, help him with his Jigsaw puzzles and alphabets, take him to the swing set, walking in the park with him, letting him throw pebbles ('rocks' in his lingo) into the lake, cook for him, feed him, bathe him, get him dressed up. I was tempted to hook up the Camcorder to the TV and watch his latest Video (from June/July). Didn't think it would help...thought it might make me miss him more and managed not to give into the temptation.

I also remembered all the cute things he used to say, in English and Telugu. How he used to try and form proper sentences and make me proud with his intelligence. God knows how much more vocabulary he picked up during his time in India. He must have vastly improved his Telugu vocabulary. I hope he is able to continue to improve his English vocabulary as well. Not having spoken to him or heard his voice in more than two and a half months, I have no way of knowing for sure. All I can do is make the most educated guess based on the linguistic skills he exhibited so far.

I know he will be back here in the US. I know we will be able to do all the things we used to do before he was taken to India. The battle is about 'when'. Anguish is over how many roadblocks lie ahead. The occasional sadness is over why my son and I have to go through this ordeal (forced separation from each other) for the second time in the past two and a half years.

Bed time for the 'big guy'

As I was coming into work this morning, I kept thinking what my son might have been doing right at that moment. It was 9 PM in India. He must have been getting ready for bed. He was probably in bed already and being read a story. He must have asked his mom to read the story again. If he did not want to sleep, I am sure he told her he wants to go to the bathroom or that he wants to drink milk/water. May be he was sleepy enough and fell asleep after a reading or two.

The weather should be pleasant in India at this time of the year. My guess is he went to bed wearing shorts and a not-too-thick Cotton T-shirt.

75 days and counting

July 16, 2008 - That is the last time I saw my 3 year old son. He was taken to India the next day by his mother and was supposed to be back on July 29, 2008. He is yet to come back. It is 75 days since my son and I have had any contact with each other. This blog is about how I am surviving the ordeal and the obstacles (some known and a lot unknown) that lay ahead to bringing him back.

I don't know when he will come back to USA. I am not certain where he is. I don't know how he is doing. But one thing I know is that I won't give up the fight. Would you if this is your son?